Space and Pace

I was just talking to a very dear friend about focus and clarity in life. The very fact that he is also a band mate puts things in perspective. We were discussing about how focus is something that is iterative in life. First, it's the thing that you need to figure out. What is it that you need to focus on? Once that is decided, it means your faculties are aligning to focus that, but the end result is something that is still hazy. So the next step is to not lose your focus on the subject and then start removing the haze from the final object. Rip those layers apart so that you can see what you intended to. 

Its complex. I know. I mean, he and I connect on a different plateau that only we relate to. And it's also a part of the varied things we can talk about despite largely agreeing on mostly similar things. Based on our experiences and interactions with fellow artists, based on the learnings we take home, based on how our peers are performing, its important to resonate on a level that gives us vibrations and propels and pushes us to do something or get something done.

Then came the discussion of driving the focus on a specific space. Now what happens is, more often than not, when I'm talking about a creative workspace, albeit a virtual one, not everyone arrives at the said destination at the same time. Say someone comes up with the groove first. Someone else comes up with the philosophy behind the song. Someone comes up with the melody. Someone might even have a broad outlook as to how the whole song might shape once it's ready, discounting the nitty gritty details. Here, that one person is already ahead in a virtual workspace. Once you zoom out and see, it gets clear that there is a vision to follow to achieve that particular objective. And the whole aspirational dynamics that gets conspired during the process.

In effect, the person who has entered that space earlier on must obviously feel that the overall pace is slow. But in a collective effort like this, I mean a production that has to be put up by not one individual but a group of individuals, the space and pace algorithm is just right. I don't mean to suggest that sitting back and seeing it unfold is the ultimate solution. Don't get me wrong here. The slogging and hard work still needs to be done. But this relation was somehow very meaningful for the state of mind and the thought process that I thought it was best documented.

hello 2024

The customary hello is happening about 8 months late to the blog world. Just when I had almost thought that the streak of this is gonna go away, made a split second decision to write something after all!

It's kinda nice, revisiting old stuff. But it's the schedule that's become quite erratic that the priority toward a creative area is not receiving much love. Very wrong, but that's what it is. Again, revisiting is like an endless chain. It's very similar to some search I'd have to do on WhatsApp, and that keyword leads to a story exchange of the chats from 8 years back and thus starts an endless scrolling. 

Someone must charge for the number of scrolls, swipes and what not. Come to think of it, we are being charged. We pay in seconds. Sometimes minutes. All the rush, all the hurriedness that was there is all lost. There is no requirement to sharpen skills. Everything is available. To an extent that the lines between real and AI are just a faint blur.

But does that mean we need to stop creating? I'm sure ChatGPT would have made a better blog and used better language too. We have AI generating songs out of dead singers voices. All this will continue and this will eventually and hopefully get to a point where it actually improves the quality of life.

Anyways, the good old blogging reminds me of things I need to get back to. 

Till then, then!

Note to self?

The thing about writing is always about being in touch. Come to think of it, that's how everything works, right? Once your devote your faculties to something, that's when it starts responding. Be it workouts, practice, writing, playing an instrument, whatever. 

The usual escape route is the state of mind, or the way many things are cluttered in the head, not being able to think straight, etc. But I think it's honestly the drive. Or the allocation for each specific thing in our head. Over time, you always get used to something. We need to choose what it is. Is that something actually nothing, is it something that we find peace with, is it something we can bring joy to ourselves, is it something that we can make the world a better place to be in. 

Whatever maybe the case, its foolish to even hope to you know, work and make the world a better place. The underlying thing is to find what we are good at and then become possessed with it. There are going to be distractions, but if we find where our heart truly belongs, that's when our world truly becomes better. And maybe small worlds like that can add up and make something out of it collectively.

The perspective of TIME

Writing something that's on public forum for a considerable time is a task. While it is surely an extension of the state of mind, I feel it's a responsibility to have good content. Something that stirs me up when I get back to reading this some day or maybe works for someone who's in a similar state of mind. Reading and writing, that way, have their own little inspirational backdrop.

Over the past few days, I've been trying to work on optimising time. There is the part of rest that is different for everybody. But what happens to the rest of the active time? Planning and thinking sometimes robs a lot of time. Social media usage when uncontrolled takes the lion share. Its not a good idea to shun any of it, but maybe an effective moderation of these would perhaps work, depending on what you really need to do, or what productivity you want to bring to the table.

I recently stumbled on an instagram reel. A dude is hurriedly walking and talking (apt, considering the subject). He says you get just 75 summers and 75 winters if you are lucky and so on. I like the opening of the video. Immediately grabs your attention. 75 summers. I'm on the 38th one now. That's just 50%. Also, optimistically hoping that I'm indeed lucky. That's how time is, right? On one day there are grandiose retirement plans, on one day there is a lackadaisical attitude, on one day when you are just about to sleep, there are a hundred ideas that you want to execute. But 75 summers. Fuck. 

Again, there are ways to interpret this. Would you rather sit and cry over spilt milk or would you turn industrious suddenly and make sure everything is put in place? When you are lacking a little perspective, what might also help is dividing time into even further smaller factions. That's when you get a struggle of the 5 minute deal. Content on instagram robs your time. Social media where misleading headlines of videos are all done to get the said number of hits or views.

The point is, time is just the way it is. It is a vast canvas given to us painters. What do we fill it in. Would we surrender to unknown people painting our canvas in their own colours or would we find a way to paint it ourselves, even if its two mountains and a sun?

Week 10, apparently

The mind is still held on to December. One of the busiest months I’ve had since a very long time, which was aided by a diagnosis of acute pharyngitis. Few firsts in the month - singing for a live classical dance gig, two gigs on the same day, etc., quite a fuck all new year gig. All of it, together made it quite memorable. The events from then on to here, the beginning of March is a, a haze? Of course it has all been tracked, there have been few gigs, few extremely decisive discussions and meetings, new ventures and all that, but still, seriously? Week 10 already? Beats me.

Too late for a new year wish. Too late to recap like the customary blog in the first week of January. Honestly, if I come to think of it, I don’t think I actually spent time reminiscing anytime in January. I think few gigs and work kept me busy, but I still can’t believe I was that busy.

Or simply to quote myself, blogging climbed down the priority ladder. I really don’t know. Goals remain, goals are still being made, new aspirations to look forward to are all active. I guess this is how it is going to function. More and more goals keep coming along. On some good days they are realised, some days they are pushed. 

I was thinking of how an idle brain is a devil’s den. The mind conjures up things to put the whole state of mind in a turmoil. And who does it? The mind. It’s a little flummoxing. Made me wonder if it worked in sections independent of each other. Or it’s probably a problem with us overthinkers. Till something so interesting comes up that can shatter that barrier and tell the brain to function normally. Or is it an after effect of a super busy week and you decide to chill all of a sudden but the brain says no. Maybe few brains and bodies are not meant to rest. But who decides that again? :D

I had to vent out the confusion. I’m pretty sure I made sense, But venting usually means getting rid of a certain feeling, or something? That’s not happening.

States of mind/Conditions of life

As a corollary to the previous blog where I ranted mostly about motivation and inspiration, I kinda made some comparisons today. Life comparisons.

Why is it that the people who have most of the things - a vehicle, a decent house to live in, a workspace, still complain about not having something else to work with or something else to lead an even more comfortable life; while the people who don't have the basic shit required for life slog their ass and make something out of their existence?

I strongly believe human potency is equally distributed among the entire mankind. It's mostly on how every person put their effort into becoming what they want to. It's another thing that most people really don't know what they want out of life or what they can give back to life. Of course I'm included in the most. I'm not that special too,  you know.

While potency is probably distributed the same, why do people with amenities lax? Should it not be a bigger moral responsibility to make better of the resources at disposal and contribute toward a better society? Similarly, what drives the people who are deprived of most of the necessities. I get the part where there could be negativity on both ends of the spectrum. It's after all the balance the world needs to coexist. Gosh, did I just open up a Pandora's box with that?

But seriously, considering the amount of people who have had nothing and go on and achieve it - why does it sound so inspiring? Because that's what we want to listen to? The mind after all perceives what it wants to. So we constantly assume that if someone is not well to do, then there is nothing that can happen of them? I think just the thought made me puke inside. It's pretty sick to have such thoughts, no? Is that why the people who have a decent life also perhaps achieve, but goes unnoticed because it's less inspiring? Is inspiration only a thing associated with life conditions? If I get back to how potency is distributed equally among humans, obviously there are equal number of achievers regardless of their life conditions. Is it all recognised? Do we frown upon people just for the sake of some preconceived notions and later uphold their state of mind after they become big? Do we entirely disregard people who are well to do with any achievement saying they had it easy?

Shit. This is even more confusing than what I began with.

Motivation? Seriously?

There are just a flurry of articles that came in to my mind when I just wrote the title. I guess I’ll pick the quote that I read long ago. “Motivation is like your daily shower. We recommend it daily.”

Okay, probably I don’t agree much with the shower part of it. Although I guess I shower everyday. But yeah, the motivation part of it is something that has to seriously be replenished now and then. Even the simple thing about blogging. It took me this long from January for the second blog of the year. Rather than blaming it on lack of drive, I’d choose, more elegantly, that I really didn’t have anything to write about. Which is kinda false in itself. Especially since there have been blogs where I’ve just written aimlessly only to look at it months later and drive myself to do better.

But even that simple thing of not having a topic to write about is a little too far fetched. I mean, life itself is going about with a lot of varied situations, scenarios and phases that its a little too upsetting to say there isn’t anything to write about. Its basically getting better with each passing blog, right? But again, not necessarily. We all have those moments of just not wanting to do anything for some time. That “some” time is relative. Its like gigging. Your stage presence gets better with the next gig. Its like working out. Deadlifts today will help bench press tomorrow. Its like.. you get it, right?

So, as a quick update to the publicly declarable life changing moments, Saregamapa on Zee Kannada got over in February. It was a reality show where I was a part of a choir. And importantly, got on stage with many wonderful musicians, sang alongside the Sunshine Orchestra. A collaboration that I wanted to (and still want to) materialise with BlendzZ. The down side of the reality show was a lot of man hours that would go in waiting for rehearsals. And 3 days of rehearsals before the shoot. Being in a choir is hard. You’ve just got to keep waiting for your turn. Its worse when they are shooting for 15 songs, you’ve just one song with the choir and that’s scheduled towards midnight. On the other hand, its difficult to keep track of all the choir parts when there are 10 songs (lyrics included). Plus the OCD of not having a lyric reference - a trait I proudly passed on to the rest of them too. 

This TV show (and my long hair) got me a few opportunities for gigs, each of which was a learning curve. Then there was April when my Guru was travelling to the US and asked me if I could handle his academies in his absence. It was quite a daunting task and pretty big shoes to fill in. But no one complained and I’m still doing classes once a week at his academy now that he’s back. Guess I did okay.

But why motivation in the middle of all this? Its been eating me that motivation is a big thing of the lives we have today. Post Covid, we have all become weak, distant, dissociated, and been in a state of decrepitude. Not to mention the general lethargy of not wanting to sit for long hours even for something we like doing. So with attention span going for a toss, our social lives are all screwed beyond hope. Its not something thats irreversible, but the whole process of reversing it is indeed a pain. For some, its the unexplainable irritation of working from home. For some its the stuck money flow. For some, its the lack of work more so because it involves performing arts. It all boiled down to the state of mind, the temporary phase of what the mind dictates. Just recently it seems like schools and workspaces opened up. There is an extreme aggression with traffic on road. What was a peaceful ride for 2 km from the gym at 9 in the morning is turning out to be an adventure. What’s to complain!

This conditions that we were in maybe took our states of mind to such levels that we depended on social media to get out of it. And people started motivations talks, making careers out of it with instantly gratifying social media. What was once an activity to kill time slowly morphed into a business model. No one is complaining. Everyone benefits from what they choose. But what about the independent self sustainable model of a person? When will they realise that what you want can’t be found outside of yourself? True, maybe these speakers and influencers probably propel you into thinking that, I’m not sure. I’m not dissing them. But we treat getting motivated and influenced as a big elephant that’s found in some jungle lands. Its not. You can get inspired from a construction labourer who’s making ends meet for his family, you can get inspired from your daily house help who comes at the same time everyday without fail, you can get inspired from your mother, from an upcoming content creator, from your gym coach. From basically anything that’s around you. The problem is not the source of getting motivated. The problem is we lack vision. The short-sightedness. If everything is measured with how instantly we get results, the approach is questionable. Its a sad story that social media is pushing us to be less of humans. You upload a video and immediately the thing we want is likes and views. Its the thing now. While for some things one has to ride the wave, while riding the wave you should not forget that as humans you can’t live in water or underwater forever. Naturally. We have been made to make this place better. Not to indulge in mindless hate, competition and classify people based on whatever reasons we believe in. 

So look around. There’s a lot that you’ve not seen. Train your mind to see things around you. Like really see. Motivate yourself. The least we can try is to create an impression that inspires people to carry on in their own chosen areas of interest once we are gone after serving our purpose. 

Stay kind. Stay safe!

Twenty Twenty Two

Yeah, it was hard to not get carried away with the meme that lasted exactly for a week since 2022 started. That everyone was wishing that this year wouldn't be twenty twenty too was a little in your face when January suddenly the omicron variant started peaking. I did contribute in number to the increasing cases again, but thankfully it was all under control and subsided (at least for me).

New Year, new hopes, new resolutions, although cliched, that's how it is. I usually get into a bout of setting aims and goals around this time and the only other time I do it is during my birthday. But off late, I've been setting more of these on a probably alternate day basis. That way you aren't left in the lurch when the year ends and you discover all you've done is pass time. 

Last year was a moderately mediocre year for most part of it with not so regular workouts, not so regular video uploads, with a few hospital visits, the damned lockdown confusion, a few deaths in the family, probably just a single trip, some anxious moments, some happy moments, some high moments - well, come to think of it, it was probably a good year. Could've been better with trips and having less anxious moments, but these are the things that make life, isn't it?

Anyways, the end of the year saw a new workstation, and a new ride to welcome the new year with less cribbing and more of "shut it and work" kinda thing. I would blame January on covid, and most definitely defend myself with "that's why I didn't work much". But its the 30th already and I can't stop but lament that its already been a month and nothing has happened yet. Maybe with the new year, the new hope and the new resolution will take me at least a step closer than where I was yesterday. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Success

The topic seemed so relatable in my head that I actually had to search if there were more than 5 blogs of the same name, but on the first scan I couldn't find anything. And so, I proceed.

This year going on a breakneck speed, we enter the last month in a few minutes from now. Or maybe this blog might spill over to December 1st. It all depends on the flow of thought. But today, I really felt like writing this. It is probably more of a self note rather than anything else. I'll be happy if anyone else relates to it. If you sense a solution coming out of this, you are in the wrong place. No solution here. Like someone wise (who I honestly don't remember) tells, the problem itself creates the solution. No one and no time can ever give you any solution.

Sometimes, we probably plan out how things should pan out in life. I'm not talking about a day to day plan which is quite tiresome to do, but you know, like milestones and the like. And life as we know it today - I'm talking post 2020, has changed. A considerable lot has changed. Yeah the basic outlook stays, the basic uncertainty baggage that life is tagged with also stays. It certainly however seems like the cabin baggage upgraded to check in. Sigh, someone reading this must think I was a globe trotter. No, I'm not. 

Anyways, when you have made these plans and goals, in all earnest sincerity, work starts toward that goal. There are going to be obstacles. Some that stretch for minutes, some that stretch for years. The true potential of an obstacle is still yet to be explored I feel. But all said and done, more often than not, the plans mostly don't realise. Either the obstacle becomes strong, or a diversion takes place, or one could even realise the goal was itself not worth pursuing. In all the cases, it seems like life wants us to take a path of discovery. A path of self learning. A path which teaches us that the route to the goal is more important than achieving it itself. Now starts the main thing. What is success, really?

The societal stigma of associating success with materialistic stuff is extremely cliche by now. Come to think of it, state of mind can be a success. Or should I dare say, should be the only success. We all know the complexity of the brain. Controlling it to a fairly satiating degree to orient toward a certain something is doable. Life also takes along with it other baggage - Relative success. Something that is as individual as each person's biological clock. This, sadly becomes a matter of concern in the world. At 37, someone could be a CEO of twitter (that just happened today, btw) and at 37, someone might be taking music lessons, trying to learn something afresh. Not all of them have to have 2 kids, a fancy house and a stable job. While people try to paint it with a term of relative success, it is actually relative fanciness of how a person chooses to spend his money. 

Of course it is not all that straightforward. And a lot of other aspects come into play. But what I'd like to tell is that make the journey. Make as many journeys you can. The goal can change. The goal can waver. Hell, it can do a full 180. But during that phase, document your journey. That's the most fun. Could be frustrating now. But it is all there, going on for a reason.

F = m*a

Yes, a little refresher for the Newton’s second law of motion. Rate of change of momentum is directly proportional to the force applied. Now, apply to that to something not physical. That’s the state of mind, especially when you are forced to sit in a place and chill. At least, that’s how my mind works. Come on, you can’t blame me now!

So well, after January, I meet the blogger when May is almost over in a few hours. Guess there was nothing much that happened which triggered an action to write a blog. Or again, I probably forgot with all the written documentations and deadline reports. Maintaining so many documents is a pain in the ass I tell you. Things the mind makes me do. 

I was just discussing with a friend on how my mind is weirdly a Newton aficionado. All creative ideas happen only when I’m quite busy. Not worked up, but busy with work. But take the work off of me and the brain becomes a rotting hell. The creative juices just refuse to flow. I’m not sure if I’ve to train my mind to get busy with other things itself, rather than waiting. Maybe that’s the way to do it. Pursuing a creative art form I think is very challenging. Not about the talent. It’s about how much you can do with what you have. 

I recently (re)discovered an ancient thing. Dedication is more important than talent. And if you have even the slightest liking (love the gerund) toward what you are doing, you’ll find a better way to do it. Not necessarily easier, but a better presentation, a better view. That’s what a consistent plan does. 

While all this sounds so good… Jeez, maybe I need to write in public more often so that there is a change there too. Change is the only constant anyways. Allocate different environments to different things that you do. Especially with the new normal, and the uncertainty looming large over if the old was ever normal, maybe, just maybe, it might be a good thing to train my brain now!

2021

 So the happy new year has happened, although it remains to be seen how happy this one would be.

After quite a lot of expectations about 2020 and considering what it actually turned out to be, i think it was a very small lesson for the entire world which gave big learning on not to actually expect out of anything, out of anyone. The expectation about something upcoming makes one wait. So kinda takes away the whole ideology of living for now. So, all that said and done, it is finally goodbye, 2020.

As a flashback, the customary flashback, a group of friends and I went to Goa exactly a year back, hoping that our vacations would become more consistent and regular. Apart from that, the only other thing that was fruitful was the discovery of a lot of home hair care stuff. This, while also watching the new version of Mahabharat, something that would go on to create a strong influence on and in my life. Other than that it must have been trying to not lose my shit and grappling with the crisis. Oh, and also the teeny weeny start of playback singing that happened toward the end of the year.

New projects, new ideas generally don’t come to me when there is a lot of free time. You’d think it would be a piece of cake if it works like that, but no, destiny obviously has other plans. The busiest day is the day a zillion ideas come up. When there is not enough resource to even document it. And luckily if its documented, the free time tells my brain that the idea was fuck all anyways. So, its kinda back to the whole state of mind. It’s like the lesson learnt. When you want something to happen so bad, it actually doesn’t. 

So now did I want 2020 to end and 2021 to begin? Ha ha. It’s more like a new day from now. That’s the only thing that might save us all.

Let’s see how time progresses.

Rhythmic arrhythmia

And just like that, unlike every other year, despite 2020 being a bitch, its now that the time is going full steam ahead. Yeah, I know its all relative and all that science thing, but what translates to real life is what matters at the end of the day (or year).

It is always said that teaching is the new learning. Among the things that I pick up from my students, I thought this one was most common. While there are the kids who kinda pick up things without understanding (I don’t blame them. I started early, I did the same too), there are also a few grown ups who understand music, though not able to sing as per their need. These are people who might have perhaps discontinued learning for a long period of time, or who can now dwell on the beautiful structured arrangement of the basic lessons, or whatever. 

So these lessons basically are structured so that your sense of pitching and rhythm sits in your head like a nail in the coffin. Firm and not wanting to get out. (Surely not, since its a coffin). While the lessons advance, there is a lot of play with the meter and rhythm. And how the relative speed changes. While doing so, and while learning a few unusual rhythm patterns, most are either able to sing or clap to the rhythm. Stand-alone, its possible. But combine them and there, you get a perfect recipe for disaster. The pitching goes off. The claps become arrhythmic. I am not an advocate of memorising. I can’t do it myself, so there is no way on earth I’d ask someone else to do it. I encourage them to remember the pattern of the notes that they deliver so that one uncertainty is dealt with at one time.

Sigh. Uncertainty. How it can link such flawlessly to life. And as I write this, I smile with the feeling of rising and falling with the uncertain wave. Isn’t life just uncertain? I complicate things, don’t know if all of us do, but I do. And sometimes, when such real life examples come by, what do you do? I teach all my students to overcome one uncertainty at a time. Enjoy it. You’ve no idea how it’ll all sit through. The complicated note patterns sit through the rhythmic claps. They just do. You just don’t know when it will. But if you keep working on eliminating one uncertainty at a time, like for here - get the singing pattern right and don’t worry about the rhythm claps now. Once you are deft with that, your mind can work on the other unknown. 

Is this how simple life also is?

September, living it up finally

Bittersweet, I’ve always told. The news that I was going to put up on public platform in a few days from now got so effectively masked with the saddest news I’d heard in a long time. September, to me, in 2020 has become completely aware of itself and is just flexing it big time.

We all have certain memories associated with certain people, certain things from childhood. So much that we think that it’s the way of life. We get matured (sometimes) and then we realise that a lot of things have an expiry date. What makes it different with people is that, they don’t come printed with that date like the milk we buy. We know people expire, but we just don’t know when. That’s the reason most people keep telling us to live life to the fullest, like it was our last day, blah and blah.

Even before I was at a decent level in music to my own standards I had heard of Dr. SP Balasubramaniam (now listed with various spellings). Analysis of his voice in any form was kinda redundant, because it was the voice that created a standard. Of course, in my initial days, I wasn’t as multi lingual as today, but based on whatever I’d heard, it was how songs were to be delivered. Period. Nothing more said.

Cut to my engineering days when I was slowly diversifying, I discovered that it doesn’t matter if you could sing only difficult songs or only easy songs or whatever, but the voice quality that you’ve matters a lot. Technically is one thing, but emotionally surrendering to the song to render it in a way that makes for full justice for it. 

Second year, when I cleared my auditions for Yedhe Thumbi Haaduvenu for ETV Kannada. Shooting was in April, 2004. We were at Kanteerava studios, with heavy make up on and waiting to see when the shoot would begin. It was the first time I was on a reality show and this was the first episode. After some delay, a white Ford Ikon pulled up. A man so tall, so big got out of the car. You’d naturally expect some degree of dominance with how he walked, right? Wrong. There were two of the contestants standing by the door, and the families - maybe some 15 people in all. Not a big crowd. The mere fact that SPB bowed down and did a namaste to all of us even before entering the studio had me floored. 

We were on the stage, waiting for instructions when he walked in after getting dressed up and all that. He spoke to each of the 4 of us on stage, telling us that we have been trained in music and we are so talented and there is nothing to be nervous about. It was not required for him to say that. But such small gestures from such big stalwarts help small artists go a long way. 

I remember each comment he made, I remember how much of his talk was axed during editing. I remember all the titbits he shared. I remember how difficult it was to control laughter when he was around. I remember getting goosebumps when he sang on stage at the end of the second episode - baanallu neene. There are not enough words to describe the feeling. And all this, for aspiring musicians, young inexperienced musicians. I can only imagine the pain people close to him are enduring now. 

After that, I think over time as I started listening to more music, I discovered more about this voice. The ease of delivering any type of song. The antics on stage with fellow musicians, the soul stirring songs which had audiences crying like babies. From Oruvan oruvan to Chennai express. From Mettupodu to Kooraku kallikere. From Pavadisu paramaatma to Tazhuvudu. From Kathalikkum pennin to Shankarabharanam. It’s impossible to listen to even 50% of his work in one lifetime. If that’s not a rich legacy that one should aspire to create, I don’t know what is.

This news brought unfathomable grief, uncontrolled tears and so much of emotion. It almost felt like a part of me is never returning back. While I’m angry with myself for not pushing myself to finish a recording of the song we made for him, it seems like its all destiny’s plan. 

16 years back, when a 20 year old aspiring singer went on stage and was fumbling with the mic to introduce himself, this legend put his hand on his shoulder and put him at ease, with a friendly comic. Gosh. I never thought I’d write a eulogy for him. Such is life. That’s how it works. 

Mind games

It’s one of those times when you want to write. Open the window and keep staring into blank space till something actually strikes you. And then you open with a ramble.

September. I’d been blaming the poor month for all its bittersweet symphonies thus far in my life. Not sure if the same is valid for 2020. This has anyways been a landmark year from the time whatever had to happen, happened. Or was it something that shouldn’t have? We’d never know. Who’d know? Not us, for sure. But it pushes me to think if this was the plan. Was all this a part of the plan?

While there is one side which urges you to be positive, pushes you to stay motivated, the reality kinda bites in your ass. So I’ve kinda given up on all the false hopes. That said, how do you actually live? In constant trepidation of an uncertain, bleak future? Or is it a millennial YOLO exactly because the time is uncertain? Hobbes (of Calvin and Hobbes, yes) had shot it down long before the pandemic hit our shores. It took me an animated character to understand that we don’t live once. We live everyday. We die once. When will YOLO change to YODO?

While life has tried to come about to its usual, its only a matter of time till all of us start losing it. Thankfully, we are not confined to four walls, we have the internet and a little bit of work gets done physically. More than being confined, the fact that we don’t know how long this is going to last for is what is eating us up. 

I had read that the mind erases the bad things that have happened in the past. The good things keep flashing so that we feel good about something that has happened. The mind also plays around by projecting future scenarios for the exact same reason. When we hope for a certain visual we have in our head, we get inspired by it, and tend to work toward it. But when we get there, our mind already has shown us much better visuals to aim for. Talk about them mind games. 

What mind games do you let your mind play in uncertain times like these? Of course its rhetorical. I’m 100% sure none of my blog readers would be the survivors of our preceding pandemic. So is it a live today, lets see tomorrow or a hopelessly positive approach that’s beyond practicality that tomorrow’s a better day? 

Guess our best friend, “THE TIME”, has answers to all questions.

2020

2020. Just that. Not meaning to open on a fairly negative note, but if we survive this year, we’d remember this more than ever, more than anything that ever happened in our lives.

Countless references have already been made, maybe more than that is the depressing nonsense, the exaggeration by media, the foolishness manifested everywhere from educated people, gullible illiterate people to world leaders. Now, at this point, maybe it is wrong to hope and expect anything from anyone. Maybe the one forte that’s on constant display is the common sense, or the lack of it.

With the number of motivational speakers, content creators (or other fancy jargon that you may use as you please - really, come up with anything that can help you stand out) and other folks who are trying to keep the world inspired and positive, maybe they are doing a good job. Maybe because I have never believed in that crap. The true inspiration lies in the eyes of the person who’s seeking it. Not someone who’s posting videos everyday about how his or her life has changed and how they want to make a difference in your life. Like the rule of the nature is, ‘Look, don’t see. You’ll find what you want’. But if people are trying to make a living of this, well, who am I to stop. They can, because there are people who are creating a demand for them.

There’s one thing I needed to talk about related to this. While there are innumerable people trying to motivate people and share their success story, there is this incredible urge to glorify failure. While I get the point that they are trying to make things more relatable to the real world, its not really a positive thing now, is it? Just because something works or worked with you doesn’t create a rule book for what the rest of the world has to follow. There are people with clarity about their career from school days. Then there are people who keep switching till they find peace. There are also people who surrender and make peace with what they have. Like I’ve always told before, success is very relative. What is success to me isn’t success to you. But then again, I really can’t advocate anything to anyone at this point of time. It’s kinda useless.

What 2020 has taught us is probably reinforce the age old saying - Live for the day. Little did we know it would come to mean in the literal sense. All the planning, all the postponing is what took a massive hit. It’s more like wake up, hope that all people dear to you are well and alive and do what you can, with no idea what’s going to hit us next. Like change is the only constant, uncertainty is only certain now.

Self recognition

So, this was quite irregular, despite having time to forcefully chill at home. Its difficult for someone, for anyone who has been following a regular routine to chill. Or maybe, I think its the force that's playing with the sanity. Had you chosen to chill, you'd just chill. But the current situation is such that any chilling beyond your home, might lead to consequences that are, well, chilly. (Sorry, I had to).

I am trying hard to refrain from posting about CoViD, from the impossibly ridiculous measures the world leaders are trying to take, from big failures of (big) governments in handling pandemics even after cutting some slack over letting them trying to grapple with it. It gets extremely annoying at times, that I end up not doing anything apart from brooding over it some days. But what can one do. The system is such. Deep rooted in a lot of unwanted things that its almost impossible to rid off of. But again, that might just be another failed acceptance of things. Sad, but true.

While we are all being made to sit at home and we are trying quite hard to retain our mental stability, we are turning our attention to social media, our only source of any human interaction apart from family members. Then there is also a conquest of completing all available series and movies on streaming services. Bless the internet, and the people who have been working to make sure our bandwidth isn't compromised.

I saw the newer version of Mahabharat that was telecast on Star Plus, some 6 - 7 years back. While I instantly became a fan of many characters, there was also a lot of gyan to take away from it. The character Karn is shown as someone who's oppressed about the recognition he gets and is hell bent on disproving it to the world. He is told time and again, that its a futile exercise. Well, nothing new to add on here. But its these simple things that make you sit up and ponder.

The knowledge you acquire to improve yourself and perhaps use it as a tool to help others out of their ignorance (not necessarily in archery, in life too) will definitely come to your aid, sooner than later. But the route might be a little less arduous if its taken up as a challenge. Of course, there is also a challenge to disprove the world which aids in accelerating the whole knowledge acquiring process. Something that pushes you. But one needs to be weary of what it is pushing you toward. Is it a fad for like 30 days that you are doing to kill time? Is it something you are doing to make sure no one else does it? Or is it something you've challenged yourself to do? The third iteration is the most beneficial one, clearly. When something is forced or you are challenged by an external force to do something, initially, though it might seem exciting, it really doesn't do much to help you improve yourself. And it might be really difficult, impossible even, to find people who wouldn't like to improve themselves. While on this journey to be a better version of you than yesterday, you start concentrating on the task itself rather than the outcome. Which is the abolition of recognition. The minute you recognise yourself, the other recognitions fade pale in comparison.

Legacy

It’s really kinda hard to accept the fact that there was no customary December or January blog post. It should have either been the recap of the year that was, or a very neutral emotion of looking forward for what 2020 would bring in. The fact is that, to make time for this blog post, it took me a little bit of time searching. And its February. But better late than never. Happy new year!

January went by like a breeze, a chilly, fast, breeze. Things went by - good, bad and ugly. I think most part of 2019 was also like that. There were some surprises that time brought in, some courage that the situations showed me on to, some tough decisions, some laughter, some crying, lot of alcohol, and a shit load of unachieved crap. It’s good that way, because you have a remainder to carry forward and start from there, but bad because the balance is never fucking ending.

I made a write up in the beginning of 2019. I called it Vision 35/Mission 2020. I give fancy names like that (sometimes only, strictly). It sounds very movie like. I liked the ring it has to it. Most part of the goals or objectives that had to be achieved are still in tact. Consistency is good, but the execution isn’t.

Anyways, with two topics that I kinda wanted to write about, the first was Legacy. Not the dictionary meaning of inheritance, but more like a person’s legacy. It’s something that hit me about it a few weeks back. It’s always spoken of when there is a certain quantum to it in terms of importance. Or, if I may, after a person passes away or moves away from your life. But do we not realise that the legacy is created during the course of life itself? I mean, of course, every day can’t be historical or monumental to a regard where everyone comes out and praises you for what you’ve done. The same way that every song that’s composed can’t become an anthem. But, even the minutest of the things that a person does that defines him, becomes his legacy. The minute the person chooses to step out of that, its kinda like an identity loss. Don’t get me wrong. I am not even subtly hinting at being closed to the idea of change. Change is constant. Everything, everyone - you including, are changing at this very moment. It’s not the change that I’m averse to. It’s the acceptance of the change without heeding to your own intrinsic trait is what is lethal. While there are aspects of you that change, there are certain things that don’t. The certain things that don’t change probably have come to define you over time. By trying to change, or by relenting to worldly stuff and trying to fit in, how does an individual retain his identity? Not everyone has the legacy that a chameleon does. The poor thing does that not to fit in, but its a trait. It’s just sad that the colour, a physical entity that changes there, is attributed to a more psychological thing in us, humans. 

I wanted to conclude, but I realised there isn’t one coming up. It’s just an unanswered open thought. Why does this happen? How can people completely give up an ideology that they are known for or associated with, in favour of trying to blend in? What do you want to be remembered for? For a person who stood for nothing? For a person who changed so much that no one knew who he was? It’s like what people used to tell me all through school because I was good at imitating teachers. “Don’t imitate them, you’ll forget the way you talk yourself”. If that had happened indeed, I’d not be writing a blog on conserving identity. 

Peace.

Purpose

Sometimes in life, it could be sooner or later but in due course, I guess we all get a one idea, a one thought that would make it seem like that's our purpose to be. It might so be that the said thing is a little unattainable, maybe fantastical, or might just have a lot of hurdles that are kinda difficult to be solved by one person alone. Yet, there is this trepidation and a weird sense of excitement that the mind knows. There is some gut feeling, or some push that the mind gets and you get into it.

The story till here is fine. The person achieves whatever he wants, its like a slap on the face for his detractors and his life's purpose is resolved, right?

Wrong.

Purpose. The very inspiring thoughts that one might get about something one is passionate about and definitely wants to achieve despite having obstacles aplenty. Purpose. The fleeting thoughts of possible futile trials to get something that one wants. You know, life has never been and I don't think it should ever be about getting what one wants. Its always the journey. The path you take to achieve your purpose is actually your purpose.

A bunch of people might try (in vain) to portray success as a very inspiring thing. Its not success that's inspiring. Success becomes extremely banal in comparison with what goes to become successful. Perseverance, discipline, goal, failure, persistence, faith, love, support and dedication are inspiring.

Next time someone comes to you and tells you about success, you know what to do.

But without purpose, all these fancy words are nothing but just words. So, even if its a fleeting thought, give it some thought. Yeah, the fact remains that the whole world might not feel its a good idea, but hey, its your purpose. Maybe you were destined to follow that path, not the world. Just remember that the road isn't tarred. Don't tell the Karnataka government, they'll concretise that too. Enjoy the rough ride anyways.

Complacence

With a one week not very rigorous training session at cult.fit, I realised that it is a good choice. The workouts are mostly different, and there are lot of things to choose from. First criterion is to get some physical activity, true. I mean, if you aren't getting any activity done, that is. Post that, its to make sure you get what your body wants - this, keeping in mind any injuries, disabilities (physical only). Then it is to scale it up. Few are fortunate to not have any injuries or not have any heart condition that requires or necessitates a workout. But in either case, thanks to my good coaches that I'd found at the right times, cult is just taking it a step higher. During my individually monitored workout sessions too, I was trying to make sure the body gets as much variety as possible. But the thing with someone barking instructions to you and someone who seems like they are brandishing a whip is that you push. You push yourself to do one last rep, one last round, one last pushup. You scream, you hurl expletives, but eventually, you do.

Why is a variety necessary? The body, from what I've understood can take so much abuse. But when there is a regular workout that it is subjected to, it starts to get used to it. For example, it knows that every monday you'll train on your shoulders. So, it starts taking things lightly. The body anticipates like it has a brain of its own and says - Ah, shoulders Monday today. I know what to do. Throw in squats the next Monday and before the body realises what's happening, half of your workout is done. So, keep the body on toes. Throw in cardio here and there, never at a routine. Routine. That bloody routine.

Well, the body does decide to chill when you throw routine. But what's at play here? The brain. The part of the brain that controls all this, more specifically. But its that routine that has to just disappear. While I was thinking of wreaking more havoc on routine with regards to workout, I realised (or was made to, over beer) that the brain sits satiated almost all of the times. Think about it. The mundane work (which I've so effectively broken routine of), the mundane chores, basically a routine. Few of them like me were brought up in a way to practice a routine. That's what makes one dedicated, they said. I followed that too, like an innocent pup. But dedication and routine is something that's not even related. Routine bores you. Routine doesn't do anything good. Persistence does. Dedication does. Its a very bad thing if kids are brought up to practice a routine. I mean, what would excite the brain? Why would the brain not get bored of it?

Risk - Calculator or Taker?

So, what is it that is the biggest mystery of life?
What is calculated, never happens.
What is expected, never happens.
What is planned for, never happens.

Then what does? Life does happen.

It is the intricacy that binds together all the uncertainties that forms life. Some people just learn to wade through the waters early on. Some people wait and make sure they take swimming lessons, have life jackets, have backup plans all set and then wade. All those plans to just wade. Not even swim. I think these people would take forever to actually swim. And to take swimming lessons, fulfil another prerequisite, and to fulfil that, yet another. But who set all these prerequisites? The foolish brain. Why? Fear.

The day you let go of fear and wade, the day you learn sometimes you need to fly before you can walk, is the day the fear disappears. The fear just doesn’t go away with time. It doesn't go away with taking more lessons, it doesn't go away with pushing things away or equipping yourself better. It only comes when you beat it. Like how the slogan of URI formed - Ghar main ghuske maarenge.

No, honestly, that's how its done. Maybe at the end of the day, the person who waded will win. Maybe the dude who prepared will win. But that's not the concern. That's actually not anybody's concern. The journey is what counts. It’s also the preference. Some people change.

But what's right and what's wrong? What kinda risk has to be taken? Who calculates all these? Does life happen the way the people who make calculated risks want it? Doesn't it present itself in all the uncertain glory it is meant to? Who's the winner now? The risk, the calculator, the taker or life?

:)