The call of the destiny

I firmly believe that God exists. I won't be foolish about the fact, I'd also say that an anti-God exists. When I say this, and when I regard God as the creator of practically everything in and out of the world (read earth), the creator of the anti-God too, it makes me think that why God would do such a thing. Then I soothe myself saying that its just that there exists a 'good' entity and something equally negative in energy, that we have come to call by various names over time.

People, the lame people, us, of course if you believe that you are in the world for some reason, and have been put here by an entity, would agree with me, that when you were created, it'd not be tough for that entity to create a path for you in life. The path is all created, one not being able to see it or not is again, a different thing. Say, you'd be destined to become a painter in your life, you realise that you are good with the brush after doing PhD. Stupid, I know, but its hypothetical, or come to think of it, quite rarely possible too. You get this urge to put everything you did all this long, and curse yourself for not recognising the hidden potency in your own self. You'll get conflicting thoughts that would put a Gemini to shame. More so, when you've a family to support and you are the only source of income. Do you think you can paint your way to earn bread? Agreed that you'd be happier doing what you wanna do, but such things look good on paper. Is this God's way of telling that, 'See, I gave you a path, but my negative counterpart asked you to not go there, I can't do anything', so, is God an entity that gives you good and bad both at the most vulnerable times?

There would be this section of people not agreeing with me by now, and shaking their heads in reluctance. Such people would like to tell, that they create their own destiny. I'd say, its just that these people realise early in life what they can do, have a clear view of how it'd shape up later on in life. Now, again, does that mean that they are entering a new area and creating a destiny for themselves or did they just go into their 'pre destined path' and bragging about it big time, just because they beat others to it?

I don't know. Its complicated. All I believe is that, the light is already glowing in one path, and it'd take 359 or lesser angles to probably see it and identify it with one self. :)

The fascinations, their extents

Since I can remember, I've been totally fascinated by the universe. It surprises me that I've never made a written account of it. Well, almost, I should say.

The earliest memory was the Haley's comet we studied at school, and the hoopla about a meteor shower, that was not visible, and the Hale Bopp comet. Eclipses never fascinated me. They intrigued me.

That interest also encompasses the global warming phenomenon and the existence of life on earth. I know it is like writing about 3 different parts of science. But, I'm quite sure my audience isn't that specific.

I used to make these reports when back in school, on things that fascinated me, and called them "PROJECTS". The universe was my biggest project ever, that I eventually lost out to careless formatting. I was heartbroken.

Just recently, I read a book (after a long gap) about how stuff formed on earth, how things happened, how we evolved. I loved it. Venkat, suggested I see 'The universe' that was aired on the History channel. I never watched that channel. But yeah, I did download it and was dumbstruck.

It is not that the super visuals/animations made me gape at it. It sure did, but my complex mind had one hundred things going on. Ever since I had been thinking about how things are in space, as strange as it may sound, I never felt the need for wanting to know if life existed beyond earth. Maybe I'd learned to be self sufficient or something, I don't know. But it never even came as a fleeting thought. As I read more into it, I was awed by the way scientists made calculations and arrived at conclusions about planets, stars, et al. That was THE thing for me. Without advanced telescopes, if they could do this, imagine what their grey matter was made of!

Finding out more about planets, to an extent is fine by me. I mean, its interesting for sure to know where we live, what surrounds us and how safe we're. We do it after moving into a new colony, so, there is nothing wrong in that. After seeing a few of the episodes of 'The universe', I realised, we are living in a dangerous zone. A totally unpredictable one at that. One solar flare, one solar wind or one asteroid flung by Jupiter's magnetic field, or just about anything could happen as I write this. And we worry about petty things in life. :)

My first reaction was, 'Oh shit, what if an asteroid struck in 5 days?', very typical of me. Then I realised that the life on earth isn't a very different situation. Call it God's loop of life and death. The existence of earth or life on it is totally left to the discretion of an entity that created it. It started to fascinate me all over again.

As I said, to an extent, all this is good. But yeah, its a perspective. Its probably defined differently by people who are in various fields. Sending satellites up in space - reason? Selfish needs, by the whole of mankind that has reached proportions that has made us impossible to survive without phones or internet. What happens to satellites after they die? Space pollution. Not a different situation on earth, is it? We polluted earth enough that we now pollute outside it. It pains me when people and organisations talk about 'searching for water on Europa, or Mars' and spend billions of dollars for that. It seems very unwarranted for, to me.

I agree and understand that humans are afraid to die. We don't want to die, ever. Wish it were that easy. Wish it were in our hands. When the whole thing is so damned unpredictable, I wonder how people come up with ideas of 'going to another planet, in case the earth gets sucked up by the sun', or, funnier, 'how to send a missile from earth to deflect an asteroid from hitting the earth'. For all you know, when you are going from Earth to either Mars or elsewhere 40 years later, if the time is yours, an asteroid may come hurling toward your spacecraft. :)

Its nature, time and God, either one of them or all 3 put together that governs every being's existence. Things were meant to happen this way. Bacteria was supposed to form, I was supposed to be born, people who are dead, were supposed to be dead, I was supposed to write this blog, and it goes on. There is a course that has already been devised for each one of us. We could use the money being spent on sending a robot to Europa to clear half of the world's slums. I wish the place we've been given to stay is made better, rather than giving up hope and exploring other lands to live. It is, in all possibility, a better option.

But yeah, many people wouldn't agree with me. They would feel all this is a possibility, we could evade cataclysm and the likes. It is a never ending debate. We are selfish. 1 in 100 would donate money of their own to benefit a third, unknown person. The minute one has more money, he would wanna buy a costlier car and a bigger house. Similarly, people have money, they wanna send robots in space and find another place to turn it into a living hell. Next, they'll want to send some organisms to see if they can mate in space and make a new, hybrid organism. Gosh, its never ending. But, nevertheless, its very interesting. :)

The Best is yet to come, They say

The Best is yet to come.

You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Smile, It could be worse.

A few lines of inspiration, if you may say so.

All of a sudden, I went blank. What I'd been wanting to write since yesterday appears lost in the complicated twists in my head. Of course, I'd a topic today morning, but almost the whole of yesterday I managed to control my urge to just write and ending it up shabbily.

There is a link I HAVE to post in this blog. Considering the number of times I've done this (count that zero) it must have really meant something to me.

Here's the link: http://news.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html

When I read this, I thought about the guy who wrote screenplay for 3 Idiots and especially the line 'Kaabil ban, kamyaabi jhak marke peeche aayegi' [Roughly translates into, Never run behind success, make yourself success-worthy first, and then you'll succeed]. Maybe he could have done a lot more in life, maybe he is, maybe the best is yet to come.

I'm sure all of us, sometime or the other in life, would have lamented about a day, an hour, or a week at work, or otherwise that the period has been the worst. What's worse, during that unfortunate phase, we'd get something more, that is worse than what we thought was worse. It takes you to that point of hopelessness that makes you wonder if what you are doing was 'designed' for you at all.

Its totally on the person involved, if he could take it up as a challenge and say, 'Bring it on, mate, you ain't seen nothin' yet.' But really, practically, one can't be so ideal at all times. We are prone to all this, I'd say, we're humans you know, [not considering the fact that my mind is complicated one teeny weeny bit].

Life's simple, I have told myself many times, it is in fact, what one makes it to be. Its worked for me till now, and it will, in future too. But when we are distressed with trivial matters, that surely don't seem trivial to us, I think about that entity because of whom all this is happening. Call it divine, call it time, I don't give a damn. But when there is something happening, someone is making it. There is no magic in that.

How would it look from the outside if it were to be seen? A distressed person, having all the goods in life, worried to death about some trivial matter, nothing life threatening, when there are a number of people striving hard to live, to eat, to lead a normal life. Such is the irony of the world. A person may forgo his lunch so that 2 of his small kids may eat, and one guy may strive hard to buy a Lamborghini. Priorities are so different.

2 of my very good friends helped me edit an idea, that would become a song later on. Its all about life. I learnt a lot from that song. The meaning of the song is so simple, if someone asks me what it is, I can just say 'Its about life' in a single line, just like that.

The bottom line is, as someone coined, It could be worse. Smile. Live for the moment.

New year!

Though I may have rushed to type this blog in the midnight, still counts as 'written' in January and there is thus, a void created for December 09. But first things first,

Wish you all a very happy New Year!

Frankly, for me, 2009 was a swift breeze. I can't even remember chronologically the things that have happened. Only now when I look back, I realise that time has flown past.

The great things I can remember would surely be the third anniversary of the band in June, my 2 India trips, one by choice and the other by force, the much talked about (by ourselves, duh!) jamming session of the band after a looong time, the Macbook phenomenon.

It just feels like having done all of this very recently. Only, the recently happens to be more than just 'recent'.

On the personal front, things saw a giant upheaval at times, in my usual steady and strong course of life. I've to be very careful with this in blogs. Blogs are like a public diary, you choose how much you want the other person to read. :P

Nothing much's changed apart from that. Absolutely nothing. Maybe a few perspectives. Maybe.

This new year didn't have all that 'NEW YEAR!!'ish excitement. Not that I'm a party animal and I was deprived of my party this year or anything. Come to think of it, the past few new years have just been calm. The last year was an exception again, I was in the same club I was, a few hours back, but it was fun. or maybe, I thought it was. The year before that, 4 colleagues from IISc had gone to see the disastrous 'Om Shanti Om'. I hadn't even laughed during the course of the movie. It was torture. A brutal one at that. As far as I can recollect the years before that, I'd never 'partied till I dropped' or involved in binge drinking. It would be a quiet night at home, thinking each time the new year went by, that I should have done something exciting for celebrating the New year. The fact that I'd recount to, many years later on this day.

I've had a problem with communicating with a large group of people. There was a phase in my life when I'd feel insecure of myself. Things changed, albeit slowly, during due course of time. I could talk to large groups of people. That was never a problem again. But perspectives are something that rarely change with time. Atleast with mine, they are surely true. Call me rigid, or stubborn or not wanting to change, the truth remains as it is!

[Going a lil' philosophical, I need soothing music now.....

I choose 'En swaasa kaatrae']

Ok, now why the crap about how I was? The fun I thought we'd last time dancing away to the countdown, doesn't seem that fun after all. I'd rather celebrate a quiet New Year's, watching fireworks, (oh no, that would make me think about pollution), hanging out with friends, with lots of people talking non stop, or a romantic getaway, talking about how the year was.

That is the way I'd prefer my new year celebration. A little noise is ok for me. Not a club in godforsaken Beaumont, with racism so rampant, that even music starts sounding repetitive and banal after a while. I was yawning! :D

In fact, after a while, it was depressing to see couples kissing so passionately. The few things I learnt today were,

1. Especially when you don't enjoy dancing that much, make sure you've a good female company to go and dance. Being in love with her is a bonus. :-D

2. The cause of racism is the way we have conducted ourselves by being outrightly desperate for some 'attention'. I could say it in one word - DISGUSTING.

[Song changed to 'Yenna solla pogirai'.. awesome melody]

As much ironical it may sound, I missed my friends big time today. Ironical, coz I've never spent new years with my best friends.

All said and done, I realise that I slightly contradict myself here from what I started initially. When I said new year was just another day this time around, there is no question of missing something that has never happened. Maybe it is just a feeling of wanting to do something, and regretting for not doing it.

This is me, The complication personified. ;-)

Anyways, I know I've not made much sense. The bottom line is, its a new year again - 2010, and I hope that all people get the best and their best out of this year.

A very happy new year to all of you again.

Homeland beckonED ;)

When I made sure there was a reference to teeth in my previous blog, it wasn't for nothing. Barely 3 months after I came to the US, for some strange reason, I'd to make a quick visit again.

Initially what seemed a pain that would subside, my toothache reached inexorable proportions. Thankfully, the pain that was, was only when I ate. Solution? I stopped eating. :)

The filling that I'd gotten done in Bangalore the last time, came off, and the crown I'd on one of my teeth came off barely after a week after it was fixed. Yes, it was God's way of telling that I am getting old, maybe. ;)

Finding no other way out of this, after finding out that its really a pain, much greater than my toothache to wait for dentists and get my teeth checked here in the US, I realised after much dilly-dallying that the best option was to fly back and get it done. The dentist whom I saw here, said that I'd gone to see him at the apt moment. Any later, the cavity, void of its filling now, could complicate further, requiring a root canal treatment. But, he thought it was wise to postpone the filling by a week. I was required to go and check with him if they did fillings, the next week. The exact day when I landed in India.

I'd heard the treatment in US was expensive. What I'd not heard was that the treatment and the way you are looked at, is pathetic. Without much option, I booked my flight tickets. Thankfully, the permissions in the department was given. The international office worked at a painfully slow pace, and I literally sat down on their necks to get my I-20 back, with a travel endorsement. Not to mention the surprise looks on each and every person's face and the dubious looks. As if I were mad to fly back 6000 miles, just for fun, in the middle of the semester.

It seemed like a plan to go to Tumkur. 3 days after I decided to leave, I was sitting in the flight. With my teeth in that condition, food on the flight was a major major problem. But I managed, somehow.

I flew Emirates, over Dubai. Reached Bangalore at 3 AM. Didn't take the taxi in the counter, coz it was way too expensive, the last time. I went further ahead, there was a guy who offered a taxi, and showed me a card, which clearly looked 'self made'. With not much choice, and no other taxis visible, I'd to board this. He came with another guy (!!) and either of them didn't speak much. It was around 3.30 AM, and for those who know the route from BIA to Malleswaram, it was lonely, for sure. I realised that anything could happen after I neared Hebbal. I asked the drivers for a phone, thinking I'll make a quick call home and tell I'm almost there. When he said he didn't have a phone, I felt like slapping my head for making it obvious that I too, didn't have one.

Anyways, he dropped me, safe and sound. I was worried for my MAC, if not for anything :P

That day's and the subsequent visits to the dentist revealed that there were quite a lot of complications than just a filling and the absence of a crown. My wisdom was overflowing, and not finding enough place in my head, had overflown to my teeth. Unfortunately, it was crooked, and I'd to get it removed by surgery. There were 3 more fillings on the upper jaw, that obviously I couldn't see.

With the teeth taken care of, at the earliest, I was able to slowly start eating things. Yes, I looked emaciated completely. Within two weeks of not being able to eat anything here in the US, I'd lost 6 kilos. I've lost count of the number of people who wanted toothache on listening to my saga. I only wished no one would go through this ordeal.

This 'emergency' 'short' trip to India of 21 days, was better than my first for various reasons, and worse for a few reasons.

I could meet my parents again, most of my friends again. The best part was probably being able to meet 2 friends, whom I'd not met in a long time, in the order of years. Felt nice. The minute my swelling went down, I started running here and there.

The sad part was, another trip got cancelled (again) . It was planned for 3 days to Pondicherry this time. Viral fever caused this.

But the hopeless part of this trip will always remain the 'Almost Just Missed' trip to Himalayas. The gang with whom fun was redefined, with whom impromptu trips were planned and executed left to Himalayas the day I landed in Bangalore. I'd even given a thought to go to Delhi directly from here, and then to Bangalore. I was just waiting for an assertive answer from any person I would meet next. That happened to be a "NO" and I realised it was for the good of the people going there too. I mean, no one would want to hear complaints of not being able to eat anything, for 2 weeks. Plus, my treatment could be at stake (considering that I'd to undergo 2 minor surgeries). It was too tempting. HIMALAYAS! FRIENDS! Couldn't help it. I thought of leaving later than I thought from India so that I could atleast meet them once they return. That happened in the last few days of my stay there. Result? I met them after an everyday planning, for 2 days, for extremely short durations. But I guess, without the toothache, even that wouldn't have been possible.

Thanks to the toothache, we could squeeze in a jammin session of BlendzZ, on the guitarist's birthday.

All said and done, the teeth seem to have responded well, and I'm still trying to make up for the lost weight.

For a reason? You bet!

There is a very old saying in Kannada that says, 'Hall idhdhounige kadle illa, kadle sigounige hall illa'. It roughly translates to - 'A person wanting to eat nuts wouldn't have teeth for it whereas a person having teeth wouldn't wanna eat some'.

Its a situation, I'd say, mankind has been trying to grapple with ever since.... ever since when?

I'm very sure that each one of us, could definitely live a better life. I don't mean by standard or class or luxury, but by the way of thinking. Had this not been such an important aspect in our lives - the part of not being happy having what we have, we'd have not been living like this today.

A guy with a girlfriend would definitely tell people around him that a life without one is so much fun. It is not always true, with him or the other person. The other person would always want to have a girlfriend, and he simply cannot have one. (He may have many, it doesn't count!)

Problems galore. The easiest way to escape from problems. Few of us get involved in a few things that we shouldn't have been involved in and later attribute that to some invisible force that has created such a situation which has tightened its noose around the neck of the.... Man! Its just us! We create problems, we don't have, atleast, all or most of us do NOT have the expertise to get out of it. It is sad, but true.

As I type this, I remember another saying that said 'The grass is greener on the other side'. Now I realise how true these sayings are.

A person whom we don't know could sometimes teach us so much. I wouldn't have written this blog if not for an incident that happened today. I was waiting for my lab-mates at another lab, not mine, and this guy working at the lab called me in. We'd met earlier, but today, we discussed about work. What his work involves and the like. Frankly, I was disheartened because the work he did interested me and had I known before about the project, I probably could have done that. I was complaining about not having work, and how it feels to work, go to a lab, manage schedules just because you have work and so on. He was looking for something all the while. Finally, he said, "See, my work is so difficult because I don't find the apparatus I'm looking for right away. I've to search so much for it."!!

My argument was that he atleast has something to search for. :P

But what I understood from this is that we don't grip ourselves with what we're or what we've. What others do, what others have fancy us. As I was sitting in his lab, I wished I were there everyday and had that much work. Then another thought crossed my mind. I'd have probably wished for a day off from work then. Not having work would have looked greener then.

I don't know if I need to say that its a sick feeling people are incorporating into themselves when they could be happy, because if people don't feel jealousy, anger or frustration, I'd not classify them humans. Now, the extent of positivity in these feelings is an individual thing.

It was a lesson to myself. More so, an experience. I'd never expected him to say that. Had he told me that it was ok, and that is how it is, I'd not have learnt anything. His way of telling that the apparatus he was looking for was not available right then and that, he felt was a very difficult thing made me just smile and realise how foolish we really are.

We have every single thing in our own hands, but we don't look in the right direction.

The journey home, is never too long!

A not so famous song by the double Oscar winner AR Rahman, from the broadway musical, the Bombay Dreams. Its a good song.

Very true, though. After hopping around in Chicago, Frankfurt and Dubai, I was exhausted, nevertheless, but that excitement was still alive when I reached Bangalore and I rejuvenated myself as soon as I landed. Hell, I wasn't even jet lagged. Well, I wasn't jet lagged when I landed back too [:P]

For REGULAR followers of my blog, you should know what I'm talking about, for the rest, Duh! Look up the previous blog. Its just that I couldn't or should I say didn't write about how my trip was, till I realised that I was about to break my resolution of wanting to write a blog in at least each of the remainder months. :D

I landed in Bangalore, from Dubai. We entered through the west coast of India, obviously.The moment the plane was in Indian airspace, I didn't feel emotional, neither did I hear 'Yeh jo des hai tera'. I guess I was too engrossed in my novel. But, it sure was a great feeling to see that unmistakable gulf of khambat and the gulf of kutch on the screen. I smiled. INDIA.

There was a small, essential (I thought, few of them didn't) swine flu test as soon as I landed, and one person was not co-operating well enough. Maybe he was a big shot. (As if they can't get swine flu :P) The tests done, I came out of the airport, with my luggages not screened for what they'd have in them. There it was. Fresh Air! (I hate A/C by the way). There was something else familiar. Noise. Horns. I smiled, again.

A taxi guy came up to me, took me to his office as soon as I came out, finished the formalities with the lady there, (which seemed to take a long time, no complaints! ;)) while I just stood there recognising the familiar cars, whizzing past, without caring for the pedestrians. It didn't look scary to me, considering that it is totally opposite here, somehow, it really didn't look scary.

The cab drivers were in some confusion and were adding to the already haphazard arrangement. They were abusing a driver who hadn't come back with a BIG car. They looked at me twice thinking that I wouldn't understand Kannada, (nothing new) but all this made it seem so pleasant to me, that I smiled again. :)

There was a similar system of a checkpoint that we have at the university here. You swipe a card and it opens up. Unfortunately, there was some problem, (No complaints, again :)) and after 5 minutes, a guy walks up to it, lifts the bar off from both sides of the checkpost and lets us pass. I didn't find it hilarious, I didn't find it a lapse in security, I thought how would have they dealt with this in US!

Anyways, I reached home, after around an hour of landing, and it was very soothing to hear the cacophony around, rather than sitting grim in an A/C car.

The one thing that struck me the most about Bangalore and my home was that, the climate was so pleasant. It felt like a natural A/C. So cool and pleasant. Spoke with a few friends of mine, a few relatives, all felt good. It was home for God's sake! HOME! :) :)

To get into an everyday detailing into what I did would be a little too much. :P The first few minutes of driving, I was a little apprehensive, but then, it was all normal. Met (almost) all my friends, my ex and current bandmates, two of us even jammed for a few minutes, and both of us were so happy that the equation still remained the same. Watched a couple of movies here and there, went to the malls a few times, everything seemed good. The only thing I was feeling weird was that I was on vacation, in a place that I have lived most of my life.

Met my colleagues at IISc, met my professors, it was all a feeling that I was here, I did this, I had gone here and there. I don't know how to put it in words, in any language.

Probably the biggest blunder that happened, and was not committed was the missing out of the trip(s) that were planned. One trip was not confirmed, and it struck to the both of us that there isn't much time, the day before I left. ;) The other trip, with the big group that I'd been going around when in Bangalore, was cancelled purely because of me. What I could see then was that it'd be very hectic for me to come back and leave. What I couldn't see was that it'd easily take an year or more of waiting on both sides to merely see each other, forget a trip. A realisation, that occured to me, much later, on landing here.

Anyways, all that happens is for a reason, and is for the good. The short trip to home. A trip of 26 days. Even if I'd stayed for a coupla months, I guess I'd have felt the same.

As for the "changes" that many people try to look at and compare between the two places, I'd plainly say, after an year in the US, or should I say, after an year of stay in the clean, pollution free, efficient, 'dream-realising' US, I'd rather prefer to stay in a place that has pollution, mismanaged traffic, bad roads, smelly food, commotion, friends and family. Home is just HOME.