Twenty Twenty Two

Yeah, it was hard to not get carried away with the meme that lasted exactly for a week since 2022 started. That everyone was wishing that this year wouldn't be twenty twenty too was a little in your face when January suddenly the omicron variant started peaking. I did contribute in number to the increasing cases again, but thankfully it was all under control and subsided (at least for me).

New Year, new hopes, new resolutions, although cliched, that's how it is. I usually get into a bout of setting aims and goals around this time and the only other time I do it is during my birthday. But off late, I've been setting more of these on a probably alternate day basis. That way you aren't left in the lurch when the year ends and you discover all you've done is pass time. 

Last year was a moderately mediocre year for most part of it with not so regular workouts, not so regular video uploads, with a few hospital visits, the damned lockdown confusion, a few deaths in the family, probably just a single trip, some anxious moments, some happy moments, some high moments - well, come to think of it, it was probably a good year. Could've been better with trips and having less anxious moments, but these are the things that make life, isn't it?

Anyways, the end of the year saw a new workstation, and a new ride to welcome the new year with less cribbing and more of "shut it and work" kinda thing. I would blame January on covid, and most definitely defend myself with "that's why I didn't work much". But its the 30th already and I can't stop but lament that its already been a month and nothing has happened yet. Maybe with the new year, the new hope and the new resolution will take me at least a step closer than where I was yesterday. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Success

The topic seemed so relatable in my head that I actually had to search if there were more than 5 blogs of the same name, but on the first scan I couldn't find anything. And so, I proceed.

This year going on a breakneck speed, we enter the last month in a few minutes from now. Or maybe this blog might spill over to December 1st. It all depends on the flow of thought. But today, I really felt like writing this. It is probably more of a self note rather than anything else. I'll be happy if anyone else relates to it. If you sense a solution coming out of this, you are in the wrong place. No solution here. Like someone wise (who I honestly don't remember) tells, the problem itself creates the solution. No one and no time can ever give you any solution.

Sometimes, we probably plan out how things should pan out in life. I'm not talking about a day to day plan which is quite tiresome to do, but you know, like milestones and the like. And life as we know it today - I'm talking post 2020, has changed. A considerable lot has changed. Yeah the basic outlook stays, the basic uncertainty baggage that life is tagged with also stays. It certainly however seems like the cabin baggage upgraded to check in. Sigh, someone reading this must think I was a globe trotter. No, I'm not. 

Anyways, when you have made these plans and goals, in all earnest sincerity, work starts toward that goal. There are going to be obstacles. Some that stretch for minutes, some that stretch for years. The true potential of an obstacle is still yet to be explored I feel. But all said and done, more often than not, the plans mostly don't realise. Either the obstacle becomes strong, or a diversion takes place, or one could even realise the goal was itself not worth pursuing. In all the cases, it seems like life wants us to take a path of discovery. A path of self learning. A path which teaches us that the route to the goal is more important than achieving it itself. Now starts the main thing. What is success, really?

The societal stigma of associating success with materialistic stuff is extremely cliche by now. Come to think of it, state of mind can be a success. Or should I dare say, should be the only success. We all know the complexity of the brain. Controlling it to a fairly satiating degree to orient toward a certain something is doable. Life also takes along with it other baggage - Relative success. Something that is as individual as each person's biological clock. This, sadly becomes a matter of concern in the world. At 37, someone could be a CEO of twitter (that just happened today, btw) and at 37, someone might be taking music lessons, trying to learn something afresh. Not all of them have to have 2 kids, a fancy house and a stable job. While people try to paint it with a term of relative success, it is actually relative fanciness of how a person chooses to spend his money. 

Of course it is not all that straightforward. And a lot of other aspects come into play. But what I'd like to tell is that make the journey. Make as many journeys you can. The goal can change. The goal can waver. Hell, it can do a full 180. But during that phase, document your journey. That's the most fun. Could be frustrating now. But it is all there, going on for a reason.

F = m*a

Yes, a little refresher for the Newton’s second law of motion. Rate of change of momentum is directly proportional to the force applied. Now, apply to that to something not physical. That’s the state of mind, especially when you are forced to sit in a place and chill. At least, that’s how my mind works. Come on, you can’t blame me now!

So well, after January, I meet the blogger when May is almost over in a few hours. Guess there was nothing much that happened which triggered an action to write a blog. Or again, I probably forgot with all the written documentations and deadline reports. Maintaining so many documents is a pain in the ass I tell you. Things the mind makes me do. 

I was just discussing with a friend on how my mind is weirdly a Newton aficionado. All creative ideas happen only when I’m quite busy. Not worked up, but busy with work. But take the work off of me and the brain becomes a rotting hell. The creative juices just refuse to flow. I’m not sure if I’ve to train my mind to get busy with other things itself, rather than waiting. Maybe that’s the way to do it. Pursuing a creative art form I think is very challenging. Not about the talent. It’s about how much you can do with what you have. 

I recently (re)discovered an ancient thing. Dedication is more important than talent. And if you have even the slightest liking (love the gerund) toward what you are doing, you’ll find a better way to do it. Not necessarily easier, but a better presentation, a better view. That’s what a consistent plan does. 

While all this sounds so good… Jeez, maybe I need to write in public more often so that there is a change there too. Change is the only constant anyways. Allocate different environments to different things that you do. Especially with the new normal, and the uncertainty looming large over if the old was ever normal, maybe, just maybe, it might be a good thing to train my brain now!

2021

 So the happy new year has happened, although it remains to be seen how happy this one would be.

After quite a lot of expectations about 2020 and considering what it actually turned out to be, i think it was a very small lesson for the entire world which gave big learning on not to actually expect out of anything, out of anyone. The expectation about something upcoming makes one wait. So kinda takes away the whole ideology of living for now. So, all that said and done, it is finally goodbye, 2020.

As a flashback, the customary flashback, a group of friends and I went to Goa exactly a year back, hoping that our vacations would become more consistent and regular. Apart from that, the only other thing that was fruitful was the discovery of a lot of home hair care stuff. This, while also watching the new version of Mahabharat, something that would go on to create a strong influence on and in my life. Other than that it must have been trying to not lose my shit and grappling with the crisis. Oh, and also the teeny weeny start of playback singing that happened toward the end of the year.

New projects, new ideas generally don’t come to me when there is a lot of free time. You’d think it would be a piece of cake if it works like that, but no, destiny obviously has other plans. The busiest day is the day a zillion ideas come up. When there is not enough resource to even document it. And luckily if its documented, the free time tells my brain that the idea was fuck all anyways. So, its kinda back to the whole state of mind. It’s like the lesson learnt. When you want something to happen so bad, it actually doesn’t. 

So now did I want 2020 to end and 2021 to begin? Ha ha. It’s more like a new day from now. That’s the only thing that might save us all.

Let’s see how time progresses.

Rhythmic arrhythmia

And just like that, unlike every other year, despite 2020 being a bitch, its now that the time is going full steam ahead. Yeah, I know its all relative and all that science thing, but what translates to real life is what matters at the end of the day (or year).

It is always said that teaching is the new learning. Among the things that I pick up from my students, I thought this one was most common. While there are the kids who kinda pick up things without understanding (I don’t blame them. I started early, I did the same too), there are also a few grown ups who understand music, though not able to sing as per their need. These are people who might have perhaps discontinued learning for a long period of time, or who can now dwell on the beautiful structured arrangement of the basic lessons, or whatever. 

So these lessons basically are structured so that your sense of pitching and rhythm sits in your head like a nail in the coffin. Firm and not wanting to get out. (Surely not, since its a coffin). While the lessons advance, there is a lot of play with the meter and rhythm. And how the relative speed changes. While doing so, and while learning a few unusual rhythm patterns, most are either able to sing or clap to the rhythm. Stand-alone, its possible. But combine them and there, you get a perfect recipe for disaster. The pitching goes off. The claps become arrhythmic. I am not an advocate of memorising. I can’t do it myself, so there is no way on earth I’d ask someone else to do it. I encourage them to remember the pattern of the notes that they deliver so that one uncertainty is dealt with at one time.

Sigh. Uncertainty. How it can link such flawlessly to life. And as I write this, I smile with the feeling of rising and falling with the uncertain wave. Isn’t life just uncertain? I complicate things, don’t know if all of us do, but I do. And sometimes, when such real life examples come by, what do you do? I teach all my students to overcome one uncertainty at a time. Enjoy it. You’ve no idea how it’ll all sit through. The complicated note patterns sit through the rhythmic claps. They just do. You just don’t know when it will. But if you keep working on eliminating one uncertainty at a time, like for here - get the singing pattern right and don’t worry about the rhythm claps now. Once you are deft with that, your mind can work on the other unknown. 

Is this how simple life also is?

September, living it up finally

Bittersweet, I’ve always told. The news that I was going to put up on public platform in a few days from now got so effectively masked with the saddest news I’d heard in a long time. September, to me, in 2020 has become completely aware of itself and is just flexing it big time.

We all have certain memories associated with certain people, certain things from childhood. So much that we think that it’s the way of life. We get matured (sometimes) and then we realise that a lot of things have an expiry date. What makes it different with people is that, they don’t come printed with that date like the milk we buy. We know people expire, but we just don’t know when. That’s the reason most people keep telling us to live life to the fullest, like it was our last day, blah and blah.

Even before I was at a decent level in music to my own standards I had heard of Dr. SP Balasubramaniam (now listed with various spellings). Analysis of his voice in any form was kinda redundant, because it was the voice that created a standard. Of course, in my initial days, I wasn’t as multi lingual as today, but based on whatever I’d heard, it was how songs were to be delivered. Period. Nothing more said.

Cut to my engineering days when I was slowly diversifying, I discovered that it doesn’t matter if you could sing only difficult songs or only easy songs or whatever, but the voice quality that you’ve matters a lot. Technically is one thing, but emotionally surrendering to the song to render it in a way that makes for full justice for it. 

Second year, when I cleared my auditions for Yedhe Thumbi Haaduvenu for ETV Kannada. Shooting was in April, 2004. We were at Kanteerava studios, with heavy make up on and waiting to see when the shoot would begin. It was the first time I was on a reality show and this was the first episode. After some delay, a white Ford Ikon pulled up. A man so tall, so big got out of the car. You’d naturally expect some degree of dominance with how he walked, right? Wrong. There were two of the contestants standing by the door, and the families - maybe some 15 people in all. Not a big crowd. The mere fact that SPB bowed down and did a namaste to all of us even before entering the studio had me floored. 

We were on the stage, waiting for instructions when he walked in after getting dressed up and all that. He spoke to each of the 4 of us on stage, telling us that we have been trained in music and we are so talented and there is nothing to be nervous about. It was not required for him to say that. But such small gestures from such big stalwarts help small artists go a long way. 

I remember each comment he made, I remember how much of his talk was axed during editing. I remember all the titbits he shared. I remember how difficult it was to control laughter when he was around. I remember getting goosebumps when he sang on stage at the end of the second episode - baanallu neene. There are not enough words to describe the feeling. And all this, for aspiring musicians, young inexperienced musicians. I can only imagine the pain people close to him are enduring now. 

After that, I think over time as I started listening to more music, I discovered more about this voice. The ease of delivering any type of song. The antics on stage with fellow musicians, the soul stirring songs which had audiences crying like babies. From Oruvan oruvan to Chennai express. From Mettupodu to Kooraku kallikere. From Pavadisu paramaatma to Tazhuvudu. From Kathalikkum pennin to Shankarabharanam. It’s impossible to listen to even 50% of his work in one lifetime. If that’s not a rich legacy that one should aspire to create, I don’t know what is.

This news brought unfathomable grief, uncontrolled tears and so much of emotion. It almost felt like a part of me is never returning back. While I’m angry with myself for not pushing myself to finish a recording of the song we made for him, it seems like its all destiny’s plan. 

16 years back, when a 20 year old aspiring singer went on stage and was fumbling with the mic to introduce himself, this legend put his hand on his shoulder and put him at ease, with a friendly comic. Gosh. I never thought I’d write a eulogy for him. Such is life. That’s how it works. 

Mind games

It’s one of those times when you want to write. Open the window and keep staring into blank space till something actually strikes you. And then you open with a ramble.

September. I’d been blaming the poor month for all its bittersweet symphonies thus far in my life. Not sure if the same is valid for 2020. This has anyways been a landmark year from the time whatever had to happen, happened. Or was it something that shouldn’t have? We’d never know. Who’d know? Not us, for sure. But it pushes me to think if this was the plan. Was all this a part of the plan?

While there is one side which urges you to be positive, pushes you to stay motivated, the reality kinda bites in your ass. So I’ve kinda given up on all the false hopes. That said, how do you actually live? In constant trepidation of an uncertain, bleak future? Or is it a millennial YOLO exactly because the time is uncertain? Hobbes (of Calvin and Hobbes, yes) had shot it down long before the pandemic hit our shores. It took me an animated character to understand that we don’t live once. We live everyday. We die once. When will YOLO change to YODO?

While life has tried to come about to its usual, its only a matter of time till all of us start losing it. Thankfully, we are not confined to four walls, we have the internet and a little bit of work gets done physically. More than being confined, the fact that we don’t know how long this is going to last for is what is eating us up. 

I had read that the mind erases the bad things that have happened in the past. The good things keep flashing so that we feel good about something that has happened. The mind also plays around by projecting future scenarios for the exact same reason. When we hope for a certain visual we have in our head, we get inspired by it, and tend to work toward it. But when we get there, our mind already has shown us much better visuals to aim for. Talk about them mind games. 

What mind games do you let your mind play in uncertain times like these? Of course its rhetorical. I’m 100% sure none of my blog readers would be the survivors of our preceding pandemic. So is it a live today, lets see tomorrow or a hopelessly positive approach that’s beyond practicality that tomorrow’s a better day? 

Guess our best friend, “THE TIME”, has answers to all questions.